One Huge Lesson in Humility.

Bread, Whole Wheat, 1 slice—90 kcal.

Kilocal. Quant.
Breakfast
Mar 15 '17 @ 10:04 AM
'' 90 2
'' 171 3
'' 237 1
Lunch
Apr 03 '15 @ 5:50 PM
'' 90 2
'' 102 1
'' 449 1
Lunch
Nov 10 '14 @ 12:00 PM
'' 100 4
'' 90 2
'' 532
1/6
'' 12 8
'' 110 2
Lunch
Sep 05 '14 @ 12:10 PM
'' 90 2
'' 532
1/5
'' 12 8
'' 160 2
'' 100 1
Breakfast
Aug 29 '14 @ 9:10 AM

Okay I need to get off of shame. Shame isn’t going to get me anywhere. Just re­lax­ing into it and ac­know­ledging this part of my­self will help. An ac­tu­al of­fi­cial acknowledgement: As a 40-year-old, 6‘3” man of means and talent, ac­quaint­anced to lead­ers of industry, I will, des­pite my best in­terests and the clear find­ings of cen­tur­ies of nu­tri­tion­al science, often suc­cumb to /treats/, de­li­cious treats, the more cream-filled the better, and I am also en­slaved by /snacks/, or even worse, /snax/, the more industrially-processed the better. I am in this re­gard ex­actly like just every­one else but a little more helpless.

Thinking of it in terms of ter­rible consequences, in terms of my heart ex­plod­ing or my ar­ter­ies wrest­ling in­side my body like tiny vipers, is not really productive. Be­cause I keep not dying, no mat­ter how hard I panic on the sub­way or how many shoulder twinges arrive. That is: No mat­ter how awful, shameful, vile, or grisly I am, I con­tin­ue to exist and I might as well make a slightly bet­ter job of it.

So let’s get a plan; I can plan a giant pro­ject for 100 people over a year, so maybe I can also plan a day’s meals. For lunch I am going to have two sal­mon burgers, just like I had for dinner. And I am going to have some more peas. I am going to avoid bread as I’ve had enough bread, but I might look for something a little bit filling to go with the sal­mon so that I don’t feel my anxi­ety at 3PM.

Dinner will not be takeout. It will in­volve a salad. It doesn’t NEED to in­volve any­thing else.

No mat­ter what hap­pens I will be fine. I will not die today, and even if ab­so­lutely no food were to pass through my body between now and tomorrow, aside from the anxi­ety I would ex­per­i­ence no ill effects. All of my pan­ics are about things that are constructed, things that may hap­pen in the future. But in­stead of tak­ing them ser­i­ously and plan­ning around them I am think­ing mystically, about strange forces and fate. I don’t de­serve or not de­serve a heart attack, but ill­ness and car­di­ovas­cu­lar prob­lems are the nat­ur­al con­sequence of my life­style and diet.

'' 90 2
'' 90 1
Breakfast
Aug 28 '14 @ 11:15 AM

I’m going to track everything as one big meal.

Okay, so yes­ter­day was a day. I got a bunch of mis­cel­lany and email an­swer­ing done. And the kids were pure sweetness. They are just great kids, a lot of tem­per tan­trums but also work­ing so hard to com­mu­nic­ate and find their place in the family. Hav­ing twins means that they are good sharers, and kind to each other (for the most part).

I thought a lot about my com­pul­sion with food and what drives it, the anxi­ety and also the sense of comfort. But if I am hon­est it’s a sort of auto­mat­ic sys­tem at this point. It’s like a tank driv­ing across the plains. And I need to stop the tank. The tank wants to keep going and going. I don’t know how you stop a tank. It won’t run out of gas be­cause there are al­ways more pretzels.

Working from memory: I messed up and didn’t have break­fast and so I had these break­fast bars instead.

Then I had lunch which was fancy pizza with lots of salad.

Ah and THEN THE TANK—I got off the bus and jumped into the bo­dega and got some crack­ers and cookies. That was the extra 600 cal­or­ies that kills. Then I came home and was foggy and eat the crack­ers and cookies. I’m ashamed to write it down. I didn’t even re­mem­ber I had eaten it until I sat down and made my­self write.

That was pure com­pul­sion right there. There was no nu­trit­ive value and I prob­ably wouldn’t have bought them if I knew Mo was home and would have no­ticed me eat­ing them. Just more shitty tank fuel.

Then din­ner was settled, a reg­u­lar meal, sal­mon bur­gers and bread and lots and lots of peas. And I had a little yogurt as a desert.

Ulgh. Look­ing at it there is a sort of nar­rat­ive of self-care going on, I’m watch­ing myself, and then there are these gaps—almost like blackouts—where I kind of let my­self have all the treats I want—and then I’m back to nor­mal as if noth­ing had happened. Like when I worked with al­co­hol­ics and they’d open their desks and li­quor bottles fell out.

There is no more bour­bon in the house or beer and Mo and I agreed to leave it that way. I was temp­ted to leave the house but I didn’t.

'' 100 3
'' 240 1
'' 180 1
'' 90 2
'' 220 3
'' 12 8
'' 350 3
'' 108 2
'' 110 2
Dinner
Aug 27 '14 @ 6:00 PM
'' 64 4
'' 90 3
'' 12 6
'' 160 2
Dinner
Aug 14 '14 @ 8:34 PM
'' 100 2
'' 64 2
'' 90 2
'' 431
1/15
'' 29 5
'' 2 20
Lunch
Aug 08 '14 @ 12:45 PM
'' 90 2
'' 60 1
'' 34 1
'' 434
1/8
'' 100 1
'' 32 1
'' 29 4
Dinner
Aug 07 '14 @ 8:48 PM

Chick­en sand­wich rice thing wasn’t sit­ting right so I had yogurt and went to bed.

'' 90 2
'' 110
2/3
'' 100 1
'' 59 6
'' 205
1/2
'' 149
2/3
Breakfast
Jul 05 '14 @ 8:23 AM

July 4 in 2009 was the day I de­cided to start this website. I’m not back to my top weight but I’m up there again. I had an egg sand­wich this morning—a little hung over. My moth­er is try­ing to come visit and is cri­ti­ciz­ing my brother. I’m wait­ing for her call to tell her not to come.

I’m be­hind on everything and under siege. I’m going to sail through a bit and see what happens. I’m going to not panic, not despair. Her rage at the world, her sense of re­gret and despair, are the res­ults of her own actions. Maybe I’ll let her come up, maybe I won’t.

'' 90 2
'' 532
1/10
'' 90 2
Dinner
Jun 09 '14 @ 10:12 PM
'' 90 2
'' 532
1/5
'' 34 2
'' 33 3
Dinner
Jun 02 '14 @ 8:57 PM

Had a couple of slices of bread but oth­er­wise just ate peas for dinner.

'' 90 2
'' 75 2
'' 12 8
'' 5 4
Breakfast
May 24 '14 @ 11:58 AM
'' 90 2
'' 60 1
'' 90 2
Lunch
Apr 29 '14 @ 1:12 PM

Lots of peas. Try­ing to be con­scious of vegetables.

'' 90 2
'' 113 2
'' 12 12
'' 160 2
Dinner
Apr 22 '14 @ 8:00 PM
'' 64 4
'' 90 2
'' 70 2
'' 12 8
'' 160 2
Lunch
Mar 23 '14 @ 12:53 PM
'' 100 2
'' 90 2
'' 10 8
'' 150 1
Breakfast
Mar 08 '14 @ 8:37 AM
'' 90 2
'' 102 1
'' 54 1
Lunch
Mar 04 '14 @ 12:29 PM
'' 90 2
'' 75 2
'' 50 4
'' 160 2
'' 149 1
Lunch
Feb 12 '14 @ 10:19 PM
'' 90 2
'' 532
1/5
'' 59 6
'' 12 6
Lunch
Feb 05 '14 @ 1:00 PM
'' 90 2
'' 45 2
'' 54 1
'' 94 1
'' 53 2
Dinner
Feb 03 '14 @ 8:30 PM

Wanted to order, had tuna fish sand­wiches instead. No vegetables. Rough couple of days.

'' 100 1
'' 90 2
'' 70 2
'' 138 2
'' 53 2
Lunch
Feb 02 '14 @ 2:40 PM
'' 90 2
'' 12 14
'' 160 2
Lunch
Feb 01 '14 @ 12:42 PM
'' 90 2
'' 12 14
'' 160 2
Breakfast
Jan 23 '14 @ 7:33 AM
'' 46 2
'' 90 2
'' 90 2
'' 297 1
Dinner
Jan 14 '14 @ 8:00 PM
'' 64 2
'' 90
3/2
'' 50 3
'' 29 6
Dinner
Jan 11 '14 @ 8:30 PM
'' 100
8/5
'' 90 2
'' 320
1/5
'' 220 1
'' 50 2
'' 50 1
'' 149
2/3
Lunch
Dec 26 '13 @ 12:02 PM
'' 90 2
'' 358
1/2
'' 29 6
Lunch
Dec 24 '13 @ 12:30 PM
'' 90 2
'' 4 2
'' 12 5
'' 50 3
'' 160 2
Lunch
Dec 08 '13 @ 1:17 PM
'' 90 8
'' 54 2
'' 30 6
Dinner
Dec 03 '13 @ 9:14 PM

Tired. Had cer­eal and figured that was din­ner and then had a couple eggs to get some protein. Anyway, poor per­form­ance from Ford. My cog­nit­ive self is NOT ENGAGED. But tracking.

'' 64 2
'' 90 2
'' 320 1
'' 90 2
'' 75 3
'' 98 1
Dinner
Nov 19 '13 @ 8:05 PM
'' 100 2
'' 96 3
'' 90 2
'' 50 8
Dinner
Nov 15 '13 @ 8:21 PM
'' 100 3
'' 110
3/2
'' 90 1
'' 91 2
'' 59 4
'' 216
1/4
'' 28 1
Dinner
Nov 11 '13 @ 6:04 PM
'' 23 3
'' 90 2
'' 29 6
'' 149 1
Breakfast
Nov 07 '13 @ 10:27 AM
'' 100
3/2
'' 90 2
'' 297
1/2
'' 171
3/2
Dinner
Nov 05 '13 @ 6:39 PM
'' 90
3/2
'' 12 6
'' 210 2
Dinner
Nov 03 '13 @ 7:43 AM

Was doing really well by din­ner then was stay­ing up to work and star­ted nib­bling at things around the house. Prob­ably had an extra 500/600 cal­or­ies when you factor in one drink, a couple tiny bags of pret­zels (came into the house at Halloween), &c. So the cor­tic­al self ba­sic­ally won until about 8PM.

'' 100 4
'' 64 2
'' 90 2
'' 532
1/5
'' 34 1
'' 110 3
'' 33 4
'' 29 2
'' 149
2/3
Lunch
Oct 28 '13 @ 12:00 PM
'' 90 2
'' 100 2
'' 160 2
Lunch
Oct 26 '13 @ 12:48 PM

I keep hav­ing bread with meals and carby snacks. Need to fig­ure that out. (Per Michael’s suggestion, it’s grapes, grapes, grapes. I’m log­ging this on Sunday, so I’ll try to up grapes on Sunday.)

'' 100 3
'' 90 2
'' 532
1/5
'' 160 2
Dinner
Oct 25 '13 @ 6:42 PM

De­cided not to order. Just made some sausages. Then as the night went on I craved sugar really badly. I put a little on a piece of toast with cinnamon. 200 use­less calories, but it all goes to the crav­ings and the need to stop with sugar. It’s clearly the main trigger. And it sneaks in through cer­eal and suchlike.

It’s also clear that I’m drink­ing every night, just about, be­cause we have nice bour­bon in the closet and it’s cold. Nice way to wind down. But I’m also wak­ing up at 3AM every night.

'' 64 3
'' 90 2
'' 90 1
'' 102 1
'' 113 1
'' 10 2
'' 160 1
'' 16 1
Dinner
Oct 25 '13 @ 6:42 PM

De­cided not to order. Just made some sausages. Then as the night went on I craved sugar really badly. I put a little on a piece of toast with cinnamon. 200 use­less calories, but it all goes to the crav­ings and the need to stop with sugar. It’s clearly the main trigger. And it sneaks in through cer­eal and suchlike.

It’s also clear that I’m drink­ing every night, just about, be­cause we have nice bour­bon in the closet and it’s cold. Nice way to wind down. But I’m also wak­ing up at 3AM every night.

'' 64 3
'' 90 2
'' 90 1
'' 102 1
'' 113 1
'' 10 2
'' 160 1
'' 16 1
Dinner
Oct 24 '13 @ 8:00 PM
'' 64 3
'' 90 2
'' 532
1/5
'' 120 2
'' 110 2
'' 29 4
Lunch
Oct 20 '13 @ 12:23 PM
'' 90 2
'' 532
1/10
'' 160 2
Dinner
Oct 17 '13 @ 8:58 PM
'' 100 1
'' 64 2
'' 90 2
'' 120 2
'' 50 1
'' 29 7
Dinner
Oct 16 '13 @ 9:01 PM
'' 64 2
'' 90 2
'' 80 1
'' 5 3
'' 50 1
'' 160 2
'' 50 1
'' 149 1
Lunch
Oct 05 '13 @ 1:33 PM
'' 90 2
'' 75
3/2
'' 50 2
'' 210
7/4
Dinner
Oct 01 '13 @ 8:45 PM
'' 64 4
'' 90 2
'' 102 1
'' 59 4
'' 50 4
Breakfast
Sep 25 '13 @ 8:27 AM
'' 90 1
'' 90
3/2
'' 60 1
'' 90 1
'' 81 1
Breakfast
Sep 14 '13 @ 9:19 AM
'' 90 2
'' 60 1
'' 54
3/2
'' 62 1
Non-event
Sep 09 '13 @ 10:37 PM

Just gotta get back on tracking. Did breakfast, but going to do lunch, &c. Mov­ing back­wards a little. Just want to get everything mov­ing again.

'' 90 2
'' 102 2
'' 60 2
'' 850
59/85
'' 160 1
'' 110 2
'' 900 1
'' 160 2
'' 30
4/3
Dinner
Sep 06 '13 @ 6:00 PM
'' 90 2
'' 320 1
'' 79
8/3
'' 59 6
Lunch
Sep 02 '13 @ 1:15 PM
'' 90 2
'' 532
1/3
'' 166
115/83
'' 33 3
Breakfast
Sep 01 '13 @ 8:45 AM

A few things. I went down to the gym yes­ter­day and will go again today (or rather, as I write this, I’ve been and did okay). I then got food pois­on­ing from lunch, mild, but spent the rest of the day pretty miserable. Also, I have been wak­ing up with stom­ach pain and as­sumed it was hunger, but it was ac­tu­ally more likely ibuprofen, which I’ve been tak­ing stead­ily with the leg pain (six a day). Ibupro­fen is the cause of pep­tic ulcers. So I did a lot of stretch­ing to relax the muscle that hurts and man­aged to sleep pretty well, with a Zantac in­stead of an ibuprofen. As a res­ult I was able to sleep through the night, which was a huge re­lief in the morning. The com­bin­a­tion of naus­ea from the ibupro­fen and the food pois­on­ing was doing a num­ber on me. So today ac­tu­ally feels a lot better.

'' 90 1
'' 60 1
'' 64
1/2
'' 90 2
'' 12 3
'' 32
1/5
Lunch
Aug 31 '13 @ 12:17 PM
'' 9 4
'' 90 2
'' 532
1/5
'' 28 6
'' 90 1
Dinner
Aug 29 '13 @ 8:00 PM

Ended up hav­ing a cer­eal snack be­fore dinner. I’m hungry a lot—when I get up and when I go to bed. It’s tricky.

'' 90
5/3
'' 320 1
'' 110
1/5
'' 59 6
'' 75 1
'' 12 6
'' 434
1/10
'' 50 1
'' 24 2
'' 149
2/3
Lunch
Aug 12 '13 @ 1:06 PM
'' 90 1
'' 260
8/13
'' 557 1
'' 140 1
Dinner
Aug 10 '13 @ 8:19 PM
'' 64 4
'' 90 1
'' 59 6
'' 64 1
Dinner
Aug 09 '13 @ 8:21 PM
'' 100 1
'' 90 2
'' 532
1/3
'' 12 1
'' 210 3
Breakfast
Aug 02 '13 @ 5:13 AM

Off to Milwaukee, city of dreams.

'' 110
1/2
'' 90 2
'' 94 1
Breakfast
Jul 31 '13 @ 3:40 PM

Diner

'' 100 2
'' 90 2
'' 171 1
Dinner
Jul 29 '13 @ 8:51 AM
'' 90 1
'' 59 4
'' 20 3
'' 50
3/2
'' 34 1
'' 12 6
Non-event
Jul 20 '13 @ 10:59 AM

Kid’s party, a very small num­ber of treats.

'' 110
1/2
'' 90 2
'' 235
1/2
'' 59 4
'' 15 6
'' 130 3
'' 94 2
'' 33 12
'' 500 1
'' 64 2
Lunch
Jun 29 '13 @ 8:52 AM
'' 90 2
'' 269
2/3
'' 100 1
'' 210 2
Dinner
Jun 25 '13 @ 8:55 PM
'' 90 2
'' 320 1
'' 113 1
'' 12 6
'' 160 2
'' 103 1
Lunch
Jun 16 '13 @ 2:13 PM
'' 90
5/2
'' 64 1
'' 210 2