One Huge Lesson in Humility.

Banana, 1 large—110 kcal.

Kilocal. Quant.
Breakfast
Apr 11 '18 @ 9:35 AM
'' 110 1
'' 180 1
'' 320
2/3
Snack
Mar 05 '18 @ 4:17 PM

Typ­ic­al trash but no sugar.

'' 100 1
'' 110 1
Snack
Nov 06 '17 @ 4:23 PM
'' 110 1
'' 80 1
'' 100 1
Breakfast
Oct 31 '17 @ 9:20 AM

I mean why not. Who gives a shit.

'' 110 1
'' 110 1
'' 120 1
Breakfast
Apr 03 '15 @ 8:35 AM

The im­port­ant part is the community, is reach­ing out, and ask­ing for help.

'' 110 1
'' 94 2
'' 90 1
Breakfast
Nov 20 '14 @ 8:56 AM
'' 110 1
'' 45 1
'' 343
2/3
Dinner
Jul 30 '14 @ 9:00 PM
'' 110 1
'' 50 3
'' 108 3
'' 228
3/2
Breakfast
Jun 24 '14 @ 8:16 AM

Lost a pound.

'' 110 1
'' 320 1
Dinner
Jun 23 '14 @ 8:04 PM

Had a 1/2 cup cer­eal with a ba­nana be­fore dinner. Had a beer with dinner. Had some cole slaw and to­ma­toes too.

'' 100 1
'' 110 1
'' 13 12
'' 102 1
'' 320
1/2
'' 579
1/2
'' 28 6
Breakfast
May 27 '14 @ 9:14 AM
'' 110 1
'' 320 1
Breakfast
May 10 '14 @ 7:33 AM
'' 110 1
'' 320 1
Lunch
May 06 '14 @ 4:54 PM
'' 100 2
'' 110 1
'' 160 1
'' 550 1
Breakfast
Apr 27 '14 @ 8:49 AM
'' 110 1
'' 320 1
Breakfast
Apr 26 '14 @ 8:50 AM
'' 110 1
'' 320 1
Breakfast
Apr 24 '14 @ 8:35 AM
'' 110 1
'' 320 1
Breakfast
Apr 23 '14 @ 8:03 AM
'' 110 1
'' 320 1
Breakfast
Apr 16 '14 @ 8:30 AM
'' 360 1
'' 110 1
'' 60 1
'' 90 1
'' 300 1
Lunch
Apr 08 '14 @ 1:47 PM
'' 110 1
'' 120 1
'' 108 6
'' 550 1
Breakfast
Mar 28 '14 @ 8:30 AM
'' 360 1
'' 110 1
'' 60 1
'' 90 1
Breakfast
Mar 09 '14 @ 8:46 AM
'' 110 1
'' 320 1
Breakfast
Mar 07 '14 @ 8:37 AM
'' 360 1
'' 110 1
Dinner
Mar 06 '14 @ 8:20 PM
'' 100 2
'' 110 1
'' 120
1/2
'' 80 2
'' 110 2
'' 149 1
Breakfast
Jan 30 '14 @ 8:37 AM
'' 110 1
'' 320 1
Breakfast
Jan 27 '14 @ 11:19 AM
'' 360 1
'' 110 1
Breakfast
Dec 05 '13 @ 11:13 AM

In­cludes therapist-provided banana.

'' 110 1
'' 102 1
'' 297 1
'' 171 1
'' 55 2
Lunch
Dec 02 '13 @ 12:31 PM

Added fruit to meal, an­oth­er banana. Next is to cut the cook­ie out.

'' 110 1
'' 66 2
'' 45 1
'' 108
5/2
'' 550 1
Breakfast
Nov 25 '13 @ 10:52 AM

Piece of corn­bread for breakfast. Waited too damn long.

'' 110 1
'' 300 1
Breakfast
Nov 22 '13 @ 8:09 AM
'' 110 1
'' 45 1
'' 94 1
Dinner
Nov 14 '13 @ 8:15 PM

Just gave up for dinner. Was sup­posed to have a big shrimp salad but I was tired and people were over, so I had this instead.

'' 110 1
'' 96 3
'' 320
2/3
Lunch
Nov 04 '13 @ 3:05 PM
'' 110 1
'' 108
5/2
'' 550 1
'' 180 1
Breakfast
Oct 23 '13 @ 8:39 AM
'' 110 1
'' 343
2/3
Lunch
Oct 14 '13 @ 12:00 PM

At Bloomberg which is all snacks.

'' 100 2
'' 110 1
'' 350 2
Breakfast
Sep 16 '13 @ 10:42 AM
'' 110 1
'' 300 1
Breakfast
Sep 12 '13 @ 11:00 AM
'' 110 1
'' 180 1
'' 90 1
Lunch
Sep 11 '13 @ 12:31 PM
'' 110 1
'' 81 1
'' 108
28/5
'' 450 1
Breakfast
Sep 04 '13 @ 8:22 AM

Sugar has crept back in.

'' 110 1
'' 300 1
Breakfast
Aug 30 '13 @ 9:15 AM
'' 110 1
'' 597
1/3
'' 149
2/3
Breakfast
Aug 27 '13 @ 9:00 AM

Made a mis­take with these fig bars. A lit­er­al mistake—I thought they were ba­sic­ally low-calorie health bars and was ex­cited that they were pretty cheap at the health food store, but they turned out to be “natural” fig newtons.

'' 110 1
'' 110 4
'' 81 1
'' 149
2/3
Lunch
Aug 26 '13 @ 1:49 PM
'' 110 1
'' 240 1
Breakfast
Aug 21 '13 @ 9:14 AM

Air­port breakfast.

'' 110
2/3
'' 180
3/2
'' 338 1
'' 149
1/2
Breakfast
Aug 07 '13 @ 8:53 AM
'' 110 1
'' 320 1
Breakfast
Aug 02 '13 @ 5:13 AM

Off to Milwaukee, city of dreams.

'' 110
1/2
'' 90 2
'' 94 1
Lunch
Jul 30 '13 @ 5:30 PM
'' 110 1
'' 108 5
'' 750
2/3
Non-event
Jul 20 '13 @ 10:59 AM

Kid’s party, a very small num­ber of treats.

'' 110
1/2
'' 90 2
'' 235
1/2
'' 59 4
'' 15 6
'' 130 3
'' 94 2
'' 33 12
'' 500 1
'' 64 2
Breakfast
Jul 10 '13 @ 7:36 AM
'' 110
1/2
'' 320 1
Breakfast
Jul 09 '13 @ 11:37 AM
'' 110 1
'' 320 1
Breakfast
Jun 15 '13 @ 9:45 AM
'' 110 1
'' 190
1/2
'' 50 1
'' 149
2/3
Breakfast
May 10 '13 @ 9:47 AM

So I have messed up my leg and it hurts to sit, so this will be short. But if I need a re­mind­er as to why this en­tire en­deavor is im­port­ant I have it. This thing is a bas­tard and it’s a res­ult of the extra weight.

Mo and I just made a deal: No more takeout, at least for a few days (one day at time &c. ); and I’m going to just be very aware of every calorie, es­pe­cially as since it’s hard to sit I’ll likely be eat­ing stand­ing up.

Nothing on the cal­en­dar but writ­ing pro­jects for a few days so hope­fully I can heal up. The doc­tor will hope­fully call back be­fore long. I have a few vicod­in if I need them; took one yesterday. I hate tak­ing painkillers. Don’t know why exactly. Would avoid as­pir­in if I could ex­cept I clearly need an anti-inflammatory.

But at least I’m not too bothered by standing; my leg seems to stretch out bet­ter the longer I stand. I’ve been mean­ing to get a stand­ing desk set up and now I’ll see how I try it.

I had a big din­ner the other night and find my­self re­play­ing the even­ing over and over, all the hate­ful parts of myself. I have this sense of need­ing to perform, to be something other than what I am and what people keep ask­ing me to be is exactly what I am.

I keep ex­tract­ing that. It’s pretty exhausting. I keep ex­tract­ing that sense of des­pair from nice moments, de­cid­ing that I am lack­ing be­cause of the fit of my jack­et or my weight. It doesn’t seem to be as ex­haust­ing to be other people as it does to be me. I worked closely with someone over the course of the last year and she said it was strange to have every de­cision ana­lyzed and taken apart. I just figured, well, that’s who I am. I take apart every single decision.

Except of course for the ones where I am in denial. I don’t take apart de­cisions about sandwiches.

My leg feels bet­ter writ­ing all of this, of course. And I no­ticed that with my leg pain all the little twinges of stress in my arms and chest have disappeared. A real pain gets rid of the fake and ima­gin­ary stress pains.

'' 110 1
'' 80
3/4
'' 149
2/3
Breakfast
Apr 28 '13 @ 8:35 AM

I have no de­sire to start writ­ing here, or to start track­ing my own image, or any of the other things I used to do to find success. It all feels like too much, but I don’t have a choice, so onward. Or rather I do have a choice. That’s the thing: I have this in­cred­ible range of choices and they all get me a little anxious.

'' 110 1
'' 320 1
Snack
Apr 20 '13 @ 4:25 PM

Just foraging.

'' 110
1/2
'' 59 2
'' 130 1
'' 45 2
'' 94 1
Breakfast
Apr 16 '13 @ 11:18 AM
'' 110 1
'' 110 1
Breakfast
Apr 15 '13 @ 11:28 AM

Start­ing out okay today. The last few days mid­dling but a mix of exercise, &c. Less panic than before.

'' 110 1
'' 426
1/2
Breakfast
Apr 02 '13 @ 8:55 AM
'' 110
1/2
'' 90
3/2
'' 94 1
Breakfast
Mar 06 '13 @ 8:49 AM

This week was a mess. I’m going to try again today with an experiment, which is I’m going to fill in the meals here and then fill them out later. Weight is 332.5. Look­ing for an of­fice space. Get­ting things moving. Will fill this in later. It’s breakfast.

'' 110 1
'' 140 1
'' 120 1
'' 130 1
Breakfast
Feb 28 '13 @ 11:00 AM
'' 110 1
'' 180
11/9
'' 0 8
Breakfast
Feb 07 '13 @ 6:21 AM
'' 110 1
'' 110 2
'' 90 1
Breakfast
Feb 05 '13 @ 8:30 AM
'' 110 1
'' 110 1
'' 110 1
'' 90 1
Snack
Feb 04 '13 @ 3:43 PM

Hav­ing my weird eye­sight thing where I’m super light-sensitive. Seems to be get­ting better.

'' 110 1
'' 120 1
Breakfast
Jan 28 '13 @ 7:50 AM

Track­ing food is my job today. Hor­ri­fied by my weight, which is up, and my sore right leg and my weak­en­ing circulation, es­pe­cially in light of my tod­dler chil­dren run­ning to hug me. Why does my brain tell me that things are op­tion­al when they aren’t? Why do I get an excuse?

Going to shower, go to work, eat a reas­on­able lunch, work hard, come home.

'' 110 1
'' 110 1
'' 110
4/3
'' 90 1
Breakfast
Dec 08 '12 @ 8:35 AM
'' 110 1
'' 110
4/3
'' 90 1
Breakfast
Nov 19 '12 @ 8:56 AM
'' 110 1
'' 9 4
'' 101 1
'' 149 1
Breakfast
Oct 16 '12 @ 8:05 AM
'' 110 1
'' 120 6/3
'' 90 1
Breakfast
Oct 01 '12 @ 7:53 AM

Ac­cord­ing to my wife the milk tastes of form­al­de­hyde and the fact that I didn’t no­tice in­dic­ates that I am broken and about to die.

Written with a wrig­gling little boy on my lap.

Weight below 330, which is comforting. Need to add car­dio in right away, though.

I miss hav­ing a daycare.

'' 110 1
'' 110
4/3
'' 80
3/2
'' 0 8
'' 90 1
Breakfast
Sep 29 '12 @ 8:38 AM

Down a half pound. Out with the kids. Need to exercise. Need to not lose the thread be­fore lunch.

'' 110 1
'' 110
4/3
'' 190 1
'' 0 8
'' 90 1
Breakfast
May 30 '11 @ 1:31 PM

I gave a read­ing the other night, and it went well, but see­ing the pic­tures I real­ize what’s happened to me. (But wait! I’ve only gained seven pounds since February.) I think of it as re­treat­ing into my own flesh.

The anxi­ety be­fore stand­ing up in pub­lic is a mo­ment of high drama: Have I gone so far off the scales, literally, that they won’t want to hear me talk? It went beau­ti­fully and a nice man came up later and said he was a big fan. And that he’d send photos. And oh god. I could have made dif­fer­ent de­cisions in March 2010. I could have stayed with the plan.

I’ll go to the shrink tomorrow. And I will keep work­ing always.

'' 110 1
'' 120 2
'' 149 1
Lunch
Apr 21 '11 @ 5:50 PM
'' 110 1
'' 100
3/2
'' 220 1
'' 300 1
'' 220 1
'' 200
3/2
Lunch
Feb 06 '11 @ 3:18 PM

Things are cur­rently so complicated, and genu­inely baffling, that I must re­turn here, to the moron switch. This is a sys­tem that works. I’m not ready for the scale, though, as it will tell me something ser­i­ous and dis­ap­point­ing about the last few months; that is not something I’m ready to hear.

The level of steady, stressful, ever-increasing chaos, confusing, and fear in my life, coupled with my abil­ity to pro­cess it and and the fact that the world at this very mo­ment seems to have some strange de­sire for what I am selling has, in combination, im­mob­il­ized me. As if I’m in some kind of grav­ity ride at a park where lift­ing your arm is a great ef­fort and the floor falls away so fast is it spinning.

I thought I had moved on, but of course that’s not the les­son of adult life; repetition, the daily or weekly or monthly re­pe­ti­tion of thoughts, is more com­mon than progress.

Progress is in many ways just a story we tell ourselves while work­ing through vari­ous forms. For example, at my last full-time job there was a sense of pro­gress as the magazine went out every month; the place was a mech­an­ism for trans­form­ing neur­os­is and re­pet­it­ive tasks, the gen­er­ic fiddling-with-things, into a kind of time-marker.

And so you have the form, the space that must be filled, and the de­mand for nov­elty among the readers, and out of that, somehow, there is something at least a little new. It can’t help but be new; it re­quires newness.

So this is why, I think, the web is interesting, be­cause the very nature of forms, the fact that com­mu­nic­a­tion hap­pens in boxes and grids, re­quires one to innovate, at least slightly, to con­sider the nature of what came be­fore and to in­nov­ate a little. And that innovation, an ar­ti­fact of anxi­ety more than any­thing else, is what con­sti­tutes progress, which leads to more and more subtle forms being invented.

At least that is what I am think­ing here, with this tiny box and the sans-serif typeface with­in at 10pts., al­most too small to read safely, the lines of text emerging. The goal is to find a form, to find forms that get me through the lock­jaw and out of the grav­ity ride.

'' 110 1
'' 105 2
'' 108 6
'' 750 1
Lunch
Nov 02 '10 @ 2:03 PM
'' 110 1
'' 108 5
'' 580 1
Lunch
Feb 18 '10 @ 1:12 PM
'' 110 1
'' 36 2
'' 330 1
'' 105 3
'' 140 1
Lunch
Feb 17 '10 @ 12:50 PM
'' 110 1
'' 100 1
'' 80 3
'' 700 1
Lunch
Feb 08 '10 @ 5:07 PM

G— at work gives me a piece of tinfoil, wrapped like some kind of drug.

“This is very small,” she said. “It is not in­ten­ded to sab­ot­age you.”

It is a layer of pastry en­crus­ted with car­a­mel­ized sugar and em­bed­ded with co­pi­ous nuts. Creamy sug­ary starch.

Furtively I opened it on the el­ev­at­or and put a spoon-sized bite on my tongue. Sugar-rush.

Now it is good but is it great? I am fa­mil­i­ar with a num­ber of sugar-piled pastry treats. It has ele­ments of the pecan bar, but the crys­tal­lized mapleism of the thing sub­verts that.

In any case I’ve lost my abil­ity to form good sen­tences over the last week. Now I want to go home and eat sausages.

'' 100
23/10
'' 110 1
'' 36 1
'' 100 1
'' 550 1
Lunch
Feb 04 '10 @ 2:31 PM
'' 110 1
'' 150
2/3
'' 80 3
'' 550 1
Snack
Jan 30 '10 @ 11:27 AM
'' 110 1
Breakfast
Jan 20 '10 @ 7:19 AM

Listen­ing to the news from Haiti; read­ing about mandatory snack­ing for children. And going to the doc­tor again, right now. I’ve been to the doc­tor more in my 30s than I did as a child. And or­ders of mag­nitude more than in my 20s.

'' 110 1
'' 110
4/3
'' 120 1
'' 0 8
'' 90 1
Breakfast
Jan 17 '10 @ 11:34 AM

“Restaurant and Pack­aged Foods Can Have More Cal­or­ies Than Nu­tri­tion La­beling Indicates”:

With obesity rising markedly, re­li­ance on the ac­cur­acy of food la­beling is an im­port­ant weight man­age­ment strategy. Since people who are try­ing to re­duce their weight are en­cour­aged to choose meals labeled as “lower in calories” or “reduced-energy” in res­taur­ants and supermarkets, it is es­sen­tial that the lis­ted data are accurate. In a study pub­lished in the Janu­ary 2010 issue of the Journal of the Amer­ic­an Di­etet­ic Association, re­search­ers from Tufts Uni­versity found that some com­mer­cially pre­pared foods con­tained more cal­or­ies than in­dic­ated in nu­tri­tion­al labeling.

'' 110 1
'' 110
4/3
'' 80
3/2
'' 90 1
Breakfast
Jan 01 '10 @ 7:34 AM

'' 110 1
'' 110
4/3
'' 80
3/2
'' 90 1
Breakfast
Dec 31 '09 @ 9:03 AM

Thank God this year is over.

'' 110 1
'' 110
4/3
'' 120 1
'' 90 1
Lunch
Dec 29 '09 @ 1:30 PM
'' 110
1/2
'' 140 1
'' 647 1
Lunch
Dec 28 '09 @ 12:56 PM
'' 110 1
'' 140 1
'' 647 1
'' 0 33
Lunch
Dec 15 '09 @ 5:08 PM
'' 110 1
'' 140 1
'' 550 1
Snack
Dec 14 '09 @ 10:51 AM

After de­cid­ing that I will do everything I can to keep my focus this week, and work­ing out with di­li­gence in the morning, mak­ing my phys­ic­al ef­forts a meditation, I was at work ex­actly three minutes be­fore flip­ping out, rais­ing my voice, and de­cid­ing that the best thing for me is to be­come a bi­cycle de­liv­ery boy.

'' 110 1
Snack
Dec 11 '09 @ 4:21 PM
'' 110
2/3
'' 110 1
'' 120 1
Lunch
Dec 10 '09 @ 1:14 PM

Suc­cess­ful in­ter­ac­tion with the buf­fet steam-table.

'' 110 1
'' 150 1
'' 23 4
'' 59 6
'' 20 6
Lunch
Dec 09 '09 @ 2:43 PM
'' 110 1
'' 647 1
'' 130 1
Lunch
Dec 08 '09 @ 1:46 PM
'' 110 1
'' 140 1
'' 550 1
Lunch
Dec 04 '09 @ 12:51 PM
'' 110 1
'' 140 1
'' 647 1
Snack
Dec 02 '09 @ 10:59 PM
'' 110 1
'' 36 1
'' 160 1
'' 150 1
Lunch
Nov 25 '09 @ 12:28 PM
'' 110 1
'' 140 1
'' 647 1
Lunch
Nov 24 '09 @ 1:37 PM
'' 110 1
'' 140 1
'' 700 1
Lunch
Nov 19 '09 @ 2:05 PM
'' 110 1
'' 140 1
'' 550 1
Lunch
Nov 18 '09 @ 12:21 PM
'' 110 1
'' 647 1
'' 108
7/5
Lunch
Nov 11 '09 @ 4:59 PM
'' 100 3
'' 110 1
'' 23 3
'' 278
1/4
'' 59 4
'' 29 3
Lunch
Nov 10 '09 @ 2:19 PM

“Man, you weigh an error amount.” This 15-year-old ba­sic­ally nails the en­tirety of being a fat­tie adolescent. Hear­ing the ab­ject cruelty of teens—crap. He was 400+; now skinny. Lap band surgery.

'' 110 1
'' 100 1
'' 150 1
'' 160 1
'' 60
1/2
Lunch
Nov 09 '09 @ 3:10 PM
'' 110 1
'' 140 1
'' 550 1
Dinner
Oct 31 '09 @ 8:42 PM
'' 110 1
'' 108 3
'' 560
3/2
Lunch
Oct 23 '09 @ 12:04 PM

Some cook­ies in the back. I had one and spit it out for its synthobad; had half of three and a nibble of ba­nana bread; threw the other halves away. Sugary-powdery-sweetness. Not good. Not where my de­sires lurk.

'' 110 1
'' 140 1
'' 66 2
'' 550 1
Snack
Sep 24 '09 @ 11:12 AM

Decaf, be­cause I’m hardcore.

'' 110 1
'' 0 8
Lunch
Sep 17 '09 @ 1:30 PM
'' 110 1
'' 140 1
'' 12 1
'' 550 1
Lunch
Sep 14 '09 @ 1:24 PM
'' 110 1
'' 140 1
'' 550 1
'' 0 10
Lunch
Jul 17 '09 @ 2:54 PM

Think­ing about sweet­ness I wanted something sweet. Thus there was a small skir­mish at Han’s Deli as 5, an elite di­vi­sion of the Snack Army, leapt upon me as one and began to pound my skin me with their tiny chocol­ate fists. I nearly suc­cumbed but then one of them flipped over and re­vealed his belly— and therein I read his secrets; 150 calories, yes, but three servings per. Nearly as bad as a single sandwich. So much po­ten­tial regret. This the healthy or­gan­ic better-for-me cookie. I did what I used to when I quit smoking. I said: “I want you to walk out of here without a cookie.” Quit­ting smoking, though, that is virtue. Even badass. So many had failed. Quit­ting cook­ies is shame­ful in a man.

'' 110 1
'' 100 1
'' 500 1
Lunch
Jul 07 '09 @ 1:18 PM

All light­headed and baffled, on my way to the cardiologist, I needed something, so I got a pre­di­gested bar thing and jammed it into my craw.

'' 110 1
'' 240 1
'' 0 1