One Huge Lesson in Humility.

Lettuce, 1 c.—8 kcal.

Kilocal. Quant.
Dinner
Mar 07 '14 @ 8:35 PM

Had a big salad for dinner.

'' 110
2/3
'' 75 2
'' 54 1
'' 8 2
'' 100 1
'' 12 8
'' 160 1
'' 149 1
Dinner
Jul 04 '11 @ 7:11 PM

The fire­works were pretty and you could see all of Brooklyn.

'' 100 1
'' 96 8
'' 60 1
'' 101 2
'' 73 2
'' 130 2
'' 279 1
'' 167 1
'' 8
1/2
'' 41 3
'' 5 2
Dinner
Jul 23 '10 @ 8:00 PM
'' 353
1/2
'' 35 2
'' 59 6
'' 140
1/2
'' 130
3/2
'' 140
1/2
'' 8 1
Lunch
Sep 23 '09 @ 12:52 PM

An­oth­er read­ing to­night but as I got off my bike and pulled my freshly ironed shirt from the cer­eal box I used to trans­port it I real­ized I did not bring an undershirt, a situ­ation that unto itself, hu­mid­ity be damned, is enough to re­duce me to nervous sweating, and the hu­mid­ity at 89 per­cent did the rest. So I pur­chased some new T-shirts, short on me but tuckable, and got lunch. I am redol­ent I tell you, redol­ent of chi­potle & spray-starch & a new syn­thet­ic T-shirt. I smell like a Shang­hai ware­house on fire in a Mex­ic­an drugstore. The last read­ing went well but this one is no sure thing. This time I will fail.

Irony (he means sarcasm) is a ter­rible com­pan­ion on Valentine‚Äôs Day,
so I tried to make an ar­ti­fi­cial va­gina out of stuff in the refrigerator.

“Everything Nice Has a Craf­ted Satin Finish,” Anne Boyer

'' 59 4
'' 64
1/2
'' 8 1
'' 205
3/8
'' 10 6
'' 60 1
Dinner
Aug 29 '09 @ 5:31 PM
'' 46 2
'' 59 3
'' 90
7/2
'' 167
3/2
'' 8 1
'' 34 2
'' 3 2
Dinner
Aug 28 '09 @ 8:00 PM
'' 96 4
'' 110 3
'' 120 2
'' 59 5
'' 8
1/2
'' 90
1/2
'' 61 1
'' 80 1
'' 205 1
'' 47 1
Lunch
Aug 26 '09 @ 12:56 PM
'' 90 1
'' 140 1
'' 167 1
'' 8
1/2
'' 34 1
'' 10 1
'' 68 4
'' 5 1
Lunch
Aug 13 '09 @ 11:05 AM
'' 59 4
'' 8 1
'' 205
3/8
'' 10 6
'' 0 24
'' 60 1
Dinner
Aug 09 '09 @ 8:31 PM
'' 1 1
'' 99
7/3
'' 59
17/5
'' 15
7/3
'' 7 8
'' 180
4/3
'' 4 1
'' 120
1/3
'' 8 3
'' 8 1
'' 10 1
'' 39 1
'' 5
7/3
'' 32
1/4
Lunch
Jul 28 '09 @ 1:02 PM

Chipotle, where you line up and they pile the food onto your plate.

I have never been to a Chi­potle before. I think. I get in line and try to fig­ure it all out and make a care­ful plan. I’ve re­viewed the cal­or­ie card at home; my wife brought it to me. Now here I re­view again. I know what I want. Firm, eyes-open, brow furrowed.

Suddenly—the front of the line. I am on a roller­coast­er that just cres­ted a hill. It all comes so fast. The man wants my order. People are be­hind me.

Give me the bowl (no bread, no tortilla). There’s the rice. Yes salsa. If it comes with sour cream it does okay just a little well not too much—not—ah—ah God too much.

Now the guy has the big spoon in the guacamole and he’s ask­ing me if I want it. You don’t want to be a cock. The spoon is already in there. You can’t screw up the rhythm. I mean we’re prac­tic­ally dan­cing here. Yes, sure, guacamole. He tells me it costs more, says some number. I smile, wave it away. Oh I know! I say, even though I don’t know, had no idea, but NYC civic code re­quires you to al­ways act like you know, es­pe­cially in a chain restaurant, and do I look like the sort of per­son who gives a fuck about the cost of a spoon­ful of guacamole once you’ve put your spoon in it? Yes salsa yes lettuce yes yes yes yes yes. Roller­coast­er comes to a sud­den stop; $12.50 for rice and some pork.

Chipotle Grill Facts:

  • Chi­potle Grill of­fers ca­reer coun­sel­ing and health in­sur­ance to all of its pigs and chickens.

  • Chi­potle Grill kills an­im­als softly, by his song.

  • Chi­potle Grill was part of McDonald’s for six weeks in 2005 but Chi­potle broke its con­tract be­cause McDonald’s lettuce is ac­tu­ally made of guns.

  • The dying words of Chi­potle Grill’s founder, Charles “Chip” Otle, were “no com­fort­able seating!”

  • Chi­potle Grill charges $6 more than the pork-and-rice place on Lafayette, for less food.

  • Chi­potle Grill feels that “Eating should be an occasion, a cel­eb­ra­tion of real high-quality, whole in­gredi­ents simply pre­pared to cre­ate ex­traordin­ary tastes.” But what Chi­potle Grill needs to do is hire some free-range copy ed­it­ors who haven’t been raised on rBGH. (Suggestion: “Eating here is a celebration—a cel­eb­ra­tion of high-quality, wholesome, simple ingredients, pre­pared with care to cre­ate extraordinary tastes.”)

  • Chi­potle Grill of­fers free hugs to any­one who dresses as carnitas.

'' 190 1
'' 42
7/2
'' 8 1
'' 387
3/8
'' 10 6
'' 60 2
Dinner
Jul 15 '09 @ 10:20 PM

My do­mest­ic state makes this ef­fort possible—[Wife] unemployed, and no jobs in NYC; she joins Weight Watcher’s, counts her points, works on her own life, and feeds me as well. All fine, mak­ing the best of a botch. But could this cal­or­ie in­vent­ory hap­pen if she was working? Maybe, but the hard part was start­ing and we wouldn’t have taken on the effort. The last time I really gained weight was build­ing an archive at work—months and months of sit­ting and stuff­ing through the nights. Ra­tion­al amounts of work and man­aged stress, a sup­port­ive home life, an ideal and lov­ing re­la­tion­ship with mu­tu­al support, meals cooked with fruits and vegetables, the olive-oil spritzer and the scale unto which both of us meas­ure our portions. Ad­mit­tedly I’m un­com­fort­able to have her in such a wifely role, with my­self as snack­win­ner and her­self as do­mest­ic caretaker. She is much hap­pi­er and more ful­filled on the phone yelling at truck­ers than filling out un­em­ploy­ment forms and being told she is ap­plic­ant num­ber 300 for a given position. But this is also an­oth­er bless­ing in a life that, when you put aside the anxi­ety and drive to self-destruction, and sub­tract childhood, is prac­tic­ally choked with blessings, a life that has been kicked in the face and forced to its knees by blessings, at whence a small mob of gifts, blessings, and ben­isons come shriek­ing out of nowhere and just start whal­ing on it, and the life cowers and hides its hands but fi­nally it stops whimpering; they leave it un­con­scious and broken in a puddle of its own benedictions. That sort of life.

'' 322
1/8
'' 100 1
'' 8 1
'' 6 1
'' 3 1
'' 39
1/2
'' 2 6
'' 90 1
'' 90 2
'' 4 4
'' 140 1
'' 27
1/2