One Huge Lesson in Humility.

Friday, January 22, 2010.—Diary. 2010
January
<Jan 21 Jan 23>
Kilocal. Quant.
Breakfast

The mes­sage of The Biggest Loser and the in­dustry built up around weight loss is that you are to lose weight in order to start living! your! life! But. My life was placed in amber when I star­ted to lose weight. I stopped liv­ing it and be­came an observer. Work be­came confusing, re­la­tion­ships changed be­cause I could no longer define them in fa­mil­i­ar terms of food and drink. Even my ap­proach to writ­ing changed, be­came more formalized, more self-conscious and, say, nervous. A num­ber of valu­able and in­ter­est­ing things that I defined as My Life were re­moved or transformed. It all came at a price, and I am now at least some­what an impostor. At least that’s how it feels when people see me and say: Dear God, you’ve changed. Writ­ing everything down, ex­tern­al­iz­ing the in­tern­al pro­cess of ap­pet­ite management, cyborgizing so that I could alter and edit my­self at a slight remove—for two or three months life hal­ted with this project, and only now is it mov­ing again, and in strange, un­pre­dict­able ways. This is a dif­fer­ent life, one in which basic phys­ic­al pro­cesses have be­come less about what feels good and more about information. (Yesterday at work I did ten prop­er pushups with a spare moment, after I went to get lunch. I felt the sud­den en­ergy to do them and couldn’t see any reas­on not to.) Weight-loss—the self-improvement in­dustry in general—are a kind of natural, phys­ic­al postmodernism. You be­come the text you are editing, re­write your feelings, the body. Deinstinctualized, faith in the fu­ture re­pos­ing in machines—natural, electronic, or the end­less el­lipses of the elliptical.

'' 110
4/3
'' 120 1
'' 90 1
356
Fitness
'' 0
1/3
'' 0 2
0
Snack
'' 35 2
'' 60 2
'' 45 2
280
Lunch
'' 12 8
'' 160 2
416
Bicycle ride

Ten miles up and around Pro­spect Park.

'' 500 1
500
Dinner
'' 350 2
700
Snack
'' 110
4/3
'' 120 1
'' 90 1
356
Snack

I was eaty; couldn’t quite get a handle on the eatiness. Kept going back to the kitchen.

'' 35 2
'' 60 3
'' 220 1
'' 45 5
'' 108
3/2
'' 140 1
997
Total 2,605 (3,105)
O/s [2,100] 505 (1,005)
2010 January <Jan 21 Jan 23>